I'm so sorry to hear that! I've heard that there is a reason that the baby doesn't survive. I know it's probably hard to hear, but perhaps there was a unknown defect or disease, and this is God's way of helping your baby before it had to suffer. I think that if you have other children, spend Mother's day (and every day) with them and remember how special they are to you and that they truly are a miracle. If God didn't think you could do it, he wouldn't put you thru it. Good luck, and remember that there are a lot of people praying for you and thinking about you.
*Allie-cat*
I suggest planting a pretty shrub or tree in memory of the baby. We lost a baby at 13 weeks and the following mother's day we planted a lilac in her memory...every year when it blooms, I get a beautiful reminder of my angel.
I have to say that as someone who lost 2 babies before being able to carry my third child to term the last thing that I personally wanted to hear is “it happened for a reason” (please, I mean no ill will towards your words GoofyGoober, I know you’re trying to help) or “you’ll have another baby” Yes… that may be true, but I’ll never have THIS baby. The best things that the people in my life did for me was to just let me feel my way through it, to let me be sad, to let me cry and to let me know that they were there for me. It’s not always the easiest thing to do for someone, as women and as friends we want to be able to “fix” things with our words. But sometimes our actions and just being silent are so much more powerful. This was just how it was for me… I know everyone is different. Hope my input helps. The idea of planting something is a beautiful idea that Mama2boyz had.
I agree with the idea of being silent, but supportive in these situations. When we lost our baby, I called my friend at work and told her to tell everyone and that I didn't want to talk about it with anyone. When I returned to work...nobody said a word to me about it, but my mailbox was overflowing with cards of support. I felt so loved, and I could deal with things at my own speed. I suggest that nobody ever says it was ment to be or anything of that nature...instead offer support...I'm praying for you, etc.
I can't imagine the loss your friend (or family member) must feel. I like the idea of a plant or shrub, something that is longer lasting than flowers, and can provide a source of comfort each year when it blooms (in the case of lilacs). Another option would be a memorial, maybe a donation to Sanford Pediatrics or other appropriate beneficiary. If she named her baby, you could give a memorial in the baby's name. The best thing you can give is comfort, love and support.
I agree do not tell her it happened for a reason. It does not help. I heard that so many times when I lost my baby I just wanted to scream.
I think planting a tree or a shrub would be nice. Also let your friend know you are there for her and let her come to you. It was easier for me to go to people on my own time then be bombarded.
You are a great friend for wanting to help
I lost two babies and I just wanted someone to take care of me. Not come and sit and say poor you, but brining a meal for the rest of my family or just showing up to do some laundry or sending a heartfelt card helped a lot. It depends on the person, so do something for the mother that you know would help her in her daily life. Nothing you can say or do will make those empty arms full. I probably could go on, but just let her know you care.
Joy is not the absence of suffering, but the presence of God
Coming from experience, cards, flowers or maybe a brief phone call are a nice gesture, but I think time and space are what helps. I know that we needed to deal with it on our own time and in our own way, without everyone trying to console us. It's a tough thing to go through and when you have all these people trying to help it just makes it that much more real and it really doesn't help. It can just make it worse.
Well I am SOOO Sorry to all of you that felt like I just made the situation worse! That is what ppl told me when it happened...like the nurse! I guess my experiences and what I have gone thru mean nothing and are all wrong. That is just what someone told me and it kind of put my heart at ease.
Let me try it again, then I'll leave it be...
I'm very sorry to hear about this, but I believe you are strong and you'll(or your friend) make it thru it. No one knows why it happened but all you can do is remember that the baby is in a great place right now and it knows you loved it very deeply. *Allie-cat*
aw.
well everyone is different..
i would think that knowing that would give at least a degree of comfort to anyone who has lost a child. (obviously nothing will fix the loss though).
and even if it wouldn't comfort some people, it would comfort others.
regardless, you don't need to apologize.. you're just saying what you think would help and they're saying what they think would help too.
the poster can take everyone's advice and decide what to do, so the more information and advice she has, the more options she has to consider.
http://www.sanfordhealth.org/CradleRoll/BabyList.cfm?CradleRollParentId=22614
I have struggled with trying to figure out what to do for a friend, too. I made a cd for one of them. She loves music. I wrote her a letter and said how much I cared for her and that she and her family were in my prayers. I told her I made the CD for her as I wasn’t sure what else to do. Some of the songs on it were “Glory Baby” by Watermark, “Home” by Mercy Me and about 5 other ones that dealt with loss.
I also agree with the meal. It is so nice when people bring meals.
Here's an idea bracelets/charms:
http://www.labelledame.com/miscarriage-infant-loss.html
http://www.braceletsofhope.com/
I like the memorial garden here, but it's expensive:
http://www.rememberingourbabies.net/store/Default.asp
I know that there are some mom's who have really liked these from another forum I'm on.
edit:Sorry just noticed your time frame.
I know I'm repeating what others have suggested, but I had a miscarriage and my co-workers got me a flowering shrub that bloomed every year...I thought it was such a nice idea. I was also told, "these things happen for a reason"...people don't always know exactly what to say in these situations, why be be harsh on someone for just trying to be nice and thoughtful....I was more interested that people cared, not upset that they didn't always say the perfect things....
Ok. Maybe I sounded a bit "harsh". I didn't mean to sound that way. When we had our most recent miscarriage I didn't really want anything to do with anyone...Cards, flowers, phone calls, and trying to help are all wonderful. I just think everyone needs to deal with it in their own way. Some people need to be consoled, but for us, after our second miscarriage, we just needed our time. We had my parents help us with Jaiden.... But, making meals or buying shrubs, etc. are all excellent ways of showing someone that you care and will be there if they need anything.
As someone who has recently lost a pregnancy, it was my best friend who called or texted me everyday just asking "How are you doing TODAY?" that helped the most. If I was doing ok, I could says that. If I was down, it was my chance to tell someone how I was feeling. Some friends never talked to me 'cuz they didn't know what to say, others kept asking about our loss & me. Just asking how I was doing was perfect. It let me know someone was thinking about me but wasn't pushy or neglectful. My mom was also very helpful. She bought me two "Willow Tree" figurines: the pregnant one "Cherish" and the one with the sad girl that says "I Will Never Forget". I put it in my bathroom counter, so everyday I remember that I cherished that pregnancy & will never forget what I lost.
Thank you all for the suggestions -- Ive never dealt with anything like this and right now Im in full-on guilt mode. Thanks ladies.
I deffinantly agree to watch your words carefully!! We lost one of our twins when he was 45 minutes old and it was very hard to hear people say "It was for a reason" or "you can have more children". One of my favorite gifts in Kaden's memory was a Baby Tears plant. It is still in my kitchen window almost 2 years later. I think it was bought at Cliff Ave. Greenhouse.
I recently lost my baby at 16 weeks and ended up having an emergency D & C from losing too much blood. While I was in the hospital they gave me a baby ring and we put it in our keepsake box that my husband and I got for our wedding.
i lost a baby at 16 weeks and found a book at crossroads called "mommy please dont cry there are no tears in heaven" it helps make me feel better.
I'm sorry for your loss. You will be in my prayers this evening.
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Is there anything appropriate to do for someone who lost a pregnancy (21wks) the weekend before Mothers Day?